A Way With Words (Read This Now)

I came across the wonderful piece as I was scanning Couriers from 100 years ago. It was published Nov. 28, 1907 and appears to have been written by then-publisher J.J. Mendel, who was widely known for his way with words. This is Mendel at his best. It is humorous, entertaining, poetic and touching all at once. It's long but well worth the read. I now keep a copy in the folds of my wallet:

There are times when every thing seems to go wrong. From seven o'clock a.m. till 10 p.m. affairs are in a twist. You rise in the morning and the room is cold and a button is off and the beefsteak is tough and the stove smokes and pipes burst, and you start down the street nettled from head to foot. All day long things are adverse. The ink bottle upsets and spoils the carpet. Someone gives a wrong turn to the damper and the gas escapes. An agent comes in determined to insure your life, when it is already insured for more than it is worth, and you are afraid someone will knock you on the head to get the pride of your policy, but he sticks to you, showing you pictures of Old Time, the hour glass, and the death's scythe, making it quite certain that you will die before your time unless you take our papers in his company. Besides this you have a cold in your head, a grain of dirt in your eye and you are walking uneasy. The day is out of joint and no surgeon can set it. Be careful and not write any letters while you are in that terrible mood. You will pen some things in the way of criticism or fault findings that you will be sorry for after wards. The table would be poorly set that had on it nothing but treacle. We need little vinegar, mustard, pepper and horseradish that brings the tears even when we do not feel pathetic. If this world were all smoothness we should never be ready for emigration to a higher and better world. Blustering March and weeping April prepare us for shining May. This world is a poor hitching post; instead of trying fast on the cold, cold mountains, we had better whip up and hasten on toward the inn, where our good friends are looking out of the window watching for us to come up.

The Things I've Learned

One of the regular features in Esquire magazine, which I will subscribe to until my earthly life ends (and hope that I can find one on a coffee table somewhere in the afterlife) is called “The Things I’ve Learned.” It’s always informative, entertaining and can be inspirational. Here’s my version … with respect to Esquire.
-
Given the choice between the dime store on the corner and the giant, discount super center down the street, I’m taking the dime store every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

The best rock ‘n roll money can buy still comes courtesy of Led Zeppelin.

As a photographer, I’ve learned that 99 percent of people look best when they’re smiling. The other 1 percent happen to be models.

The 42-inch plasma screen is a fantastic buy. But spring for the 50.

You get what you pay for — especially when it comes to cooking knives, speakers and shoes.

If everybody would just take a deep breath and slow down, imagine how many car accidents, divorces and wars could be avoided.

Don’t give up the bigger slice of the pie. Give up the whole thing. It’ll come back to you.

Stand up for your rights, because if you give ‘em an inch, they’ll take a constitution. The most important sovereignty in the history of the world is the sovereignty of the individual.

Go ahead and turn up the music. But know when it’s time to turn it down.

Baseball and golf are the greatest sports ever invented. Everything else is just background noise.

You know the men and women who work behind the meat counter at large grocery stores? Most of them love their jobs and want nothing more than to see you get exactly what you want. The least you can do is say please and thank you.

Flying sucks. It’s time for a complete re-evaluation of the railroad system; we need to find that train ticket again.

Take it easy on the jalapenos. Not everybody likes your chili as spicy as you do.

Think about the things in life that make you happy. Every day.

If you've got something you've learned, please share it with the rest of us!

The Past is Everywhere

Ran into an old, dear friend outside a small store along a busy highway in my beautiful hometown Saturday afternoon. She looked stunning and strong, just like I remember, and sounded the same. It had been years, I'm ashamed to say, since I had a meaningful conversation with her; time had gotten in the way, and there was no way around it. But here we were, after too much silence, standing in the cool fall air, her smoking her Marlboro Light, me wishing I could join in the fun. We exchanged pleasantries and asked the right questions, yet this was no by-the-book, chance encounter. This was a run-in that made me miss my old friends and think about the time that today lies between us, like dirty leaves along a quiet highway. As much as I love the way the world looks today, I loved the way it looked back then, years ago, where there was nothing stopping us from growing up in the manner we chose, and doing it like there was nothing to lose. Seeing her brought back a flood of memories that I cherish, and made me realize how fleeting life can be. Seeing her, and seeing how much she has changed, made me realize how much I have changed. Two souls reconnected one fall afternoon along a busy highway near a very small town. We shivered in the cold and retreated to our warm worlds. This evening, I drink to her, and I think about the warm worlds of another time.

Saturday

Ella loves the fresh air, and now she loves leaves!

My dream

So I had this dream last night ...

I needed a weekend away so I hit the road by myself for Minneapolis to see a Twins game. But before heading to the game I stopped by your place (for some reason you and Roy Boy were living in the Twin Cities) to say hi. We talked. You showed me your new TV. Your friends who were having a bridal shower decided to stop by. I needed directions to the ballpark.

Roy decided to drive me there, but then realized his drivers license had been revoked. So we hopped on a couple of bicycles and he showed me the way. On our way back to the home to pick up my car to go back to the ballpark a gang of Indians on bikes surrounded us and started heckling Roy. They cornered him and got him into a back ally and began beating him up. I scurried back to your house and we quickly called 911.

The 911 operater told me they had already taken care of it and had Roy at the police station to file a report. Before we knew it he was at the door all bloodied and bruised but OK. We gave him a hug and, through his sobs, he said ...

"I just wish somebody would tell me where my pants are."


I swear that's true.

On the auction block

It was nestled between a rugged cedar wardrobe and an rusty electric kitchen knife, and all it took was a simple fleeting glance from the corner of my eye to know that this auction item was a must have. Like a voice from the heavens, the JVC AZI auto-return turntable in chrome casing and accompanying Akai 2-channel, 170 watt amplifier called out my name, like a Great Flood was coming and I was to build an ark. OK - that's a stretch. But this stereo system not only appeared to be extremely well-made, but in nearly mint condition. My decision to go auctioning on this particular Tuesday afternoon was a grand one, because the one thing I love more than records is record players, especially a sweet one like this. I set my spending limit and anxiously waited for the auctioneers to get to the JVC/Akai combination, and when they did I started in immediately. Fifteen seconds and $12.50 later it was mine. I practically peed my pants. I suspect Led Zeppelin will look especially good taking a spin on this sweet ride.

Daughter

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone