Punk-Ass

Just saw a press conference with Patriots quarterback Tom Brady following the 27-24 win over Baltimore. He's a punk-ass, and I hope he breaks a leg next Sunday. Seriously.

A Way With Words (Read This Now)

I came across the wonderful piece as I was scanning Couriers from 100 years ago. It was published Nov. 28, 1907 and appears to have been written by then-publisher J.J. Mendel, who was widely known for his way with words. This is Mendel at his best. It is humorous, entertaining, poetic and touching all at once. It's long but well worth the read. I now keep a copy in the folds of my wallet:

There are times when every thing seems to go wrong. From seven o'clock a.m. till 10 p.m. affairs are in a twist. You rise in the morning and the room is cold and a button is off and the beefsteak is tough and the stove smokes and pipes burst, and you start down the street nettled from head to foot. All day long things are adverse. The ink bottle upsets and spoils the carpet. Someone gives a wrong turn to the damper and the gas escapes. An agent comes in determined to insure your life, when it is already insured for more than it is worth, and you are afraid someone will knock you on the head to get the pride of your policy, but he sticks to you, showing you pictures of Old Time, the hour glass, and the death's scythe, making it quite certain that you will die before your time unless you take our papers in his company. Besides this you have a cold in your head, a grain of dirt in your eye and you are walking uneasy. The day is out of joint and no surgeon can set it. Be careful and not write any letters while you are in that terrible mood. You will pen some things in the way of criticism or fault findings that you will be sorry for after wards. The table would be poorly set that had on it nothing but treacle. We need little vinegar, mustard, pepper and horseradish that brings the tears even when we do not feel pathetic. If this world were all smoothness we should never be ready for emigration to a higher and better world. Blustering March and weeping April prepare us for shining May. This world is a poor hitching post; instead of trying fast on the cold, cold mountains, we had better whip up and hasten on toward the inn, where our good friends are looking out of the window watching for us to come up.

The Things I've Learned

One of the regular features in Esquire magazine, which I will subscribe to until my earthly life ends (and hope that I can find one on a coffee table somewhere in the afterlife) is called “The Things I’ve Learned.” It’s always informative, entertaining and can be inspirational. Here’s my version … with respect to Esquire.
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Given the choice between the dime store on the corner and the giant, discount super center down the street, I’m taking the dime store every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

The best rock ‘n roll money can buy still comes courtesy of Led Zeppelin.

As a photographer, I’ve learned that 99 percent of people look best when they’re smiling. The other 1 percent happen to be models.

The 42-inch plasma screen is a fantastic buy. But spring for the 50.

You get what you pay for — especially when it comes to cooking knives, speakers and shoes.

If everybody would just take a deep breath and slow down, imagine how many car accidents, divorces and wars could be avoided.

Don’t give up the bigger slice of the pie. Give up the whole thing. It’ll come back to you.

Stand up for your rights, because if you give ‘em an inch, they’ll take a constitution. The most important sovereignty in the history of the world is the sovereignty of the individual.

Go ahead and turn up the music. But know when it’s time to turn it down.

Baseball and golf are the greatest sports ever invented. Everything else is just background noise.

You know the men and women who work behind the meat counter at large grocery stores? Most of them love their jobs and want nothing more than to see you get exactly what you want. The least you can do is say please and thank you.

Flying sucks. It’s time for a complete re-evaluation of the railroad system; we need to find that train ticket again.

Take it easy on the jalapenos. Not everybody likes your chili as spicy as you do.

Think about the things in life that make you happy. Every day.

If you've got something you've learned, please share it with the rest of us!

The Past is Everywhere

Ran into an old, dear friend outside a small store along a busy highway in my beautiful hometown Saturday afternoon. She looked stunning and strong, just like I remember, and sounded the same. It had been years, I'm ashamed to say, since I had a meaningful conversation with her; time had gotten in the way, and there was no way around it. But here we were, after too much silence, standing in the cool fall air, her smoking her Marlboro Light, me wishing I could join in the fun. We exchanged pleasantries and asked the right questions, yet this was no by-the-book, chance encounter. This was a run-in that made me miss my old friends and think about the time that today lies between us, like dirty leaves along a quiet highway. As much as I love the way the world looks today, I loved the way it looked back then, years ago, where there was nothing stopping us from growing up in the manner we chose, and doing it like there was nothing to lose. Seeing her brought back a flood of memories that I cherish, and made me realize how fleeting life can be. Seeing her, and seeing how much she has changed, made me realize how much I have changed. Two souls reconnected one fall afternoon along a busy highway near a very small town. We shivered in the cold and retreated to our warm worlds. This evening, I drink to her, and I think about the warm worlds of another time.

Saturday

Ella loves the fresh air, and now she loves leaves!

My dream

So I had this dream last night ...

I needed a weekend away so I hit the road by myself for Minneapolis to see a Twins game. But before heading to the game I stopped by your place (for some reason you and Roy Boy were living in the Twin Cities) to say hi. We talked. You showed me your new TV. Your friends who were having a bridal shower decided to stop by. I needed directions to the ballpark.

Roy decided to drive me there, but then realized his drivers license had been revoked. So we hopped on a couple of bicycles and he showed me the way. On our way back to the home to pick up my car to go back to the ballpark a gang of Indians on bikes surrounded us and started heckling Roy. They cornered him and got him into a back ally and began beating him up. I scurried back to your house and we quickly called 911.

The 911 operater told me they had already taken care of it and had Roy at the police station to file a report. Before we knew it he was at the door all bloodied and bruised but OK. We gave him a hug and, through his sobs, he said ...

"I just wish somebody would tell me where my pants are."


I swear that's true.

On the auction block

It was nestled between a rugged cedar wardrobe and an rusty electric kitchen knife, and all it took was a simple fleeting glance from the corner of my eye to know that this auction item was a must have. Like a voice from the heavens, the JVC AZI auto-return turntable in chrome casing and accompanying Akai 2-channel, 170 watt amplifier called out my name, like a Great Flood was coming and I was to build an ark. OK - that's a stretch. But this stereo system not only appeared to be extremely well-made, but in nearly mint condition. My decision to go auctioning on this particular Tuesday afternoon was a grand one, because the one thing I love more than records is record players, especially a sweet one like this. I set my spending limit and anxiously waited for the auctioneers to get to the JVC/Akai combination, and when they did I started in immediately. Fifteen seconds and $12.50 later it was mine. I practically peed my pants. I suspect Led Zeppelin will look especially good taking a spin on this sweet ride.

Daughter

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone

756

Barry Bonds hit home run No. 756 last night. I was asleep. I did, however, catch extensive coverage of the great milestone on Sportscenter, and found myself happy for the guy. I'm not a Barry fan, and it has nothing to do with the notion that he used performance enhancing drugs. I remember hearing a story from way back when he played for the Pirates; a young fan approached Bonds after a game in which the slugger had played particularly poorly. On his way off the field Barry approached a young fan in the stands who had been yelling for him to come over and sign a baseball. Barry did, but instead of sign it, he threw it into center field before retiring to the clubhouse. Imagine how that young boy must have felt! There are numerous other stories that convey what a jerk the guy really is. Actually, I don't give a you-know-what if he used steroids. He's a bad guy regardless. Still, watching Sportscenter this morning, I found myself happy for the Barry, probably because the all-time home run record is the greatest record in all of sports. I guess my reaction has far more to do with my love of sports than it does for my respect for Barry Bonds. I just hope A-Rod catches him, and soon.

Colorado Life

The wet mountains of Colorado contrast against these sunflowers found along a gravel road near Westcliffe. Summer of 2005. PHOTO BY JEREMY WALTNER

Home Sweet Home

So Stacey and I bought a new house - a monster, 5-bedroom, 2-bath place with a large living room, larger dining room, decent sized kitchen and, full finished basement and one whopping yard. It's a sweet old place (built in 1926) with original oak floors throughout the main level and loads of character. It needs some work, but for the most part is in good shape. We close Sept. 15, but the sale is contingent on us selling our home. That process is underway. Anybody looking for a good, little home?

Lost

Today is Wednesday, which means that tonight we will have what is sure to be another extraordinary episode of television's best drama, Lost.

As a television junkie I'm thrilled we live in an age of truly great TV. Shows today are better than the mainstream shows that aired when I was growing up in the 80s, particularly network dramas. When 24 debuted in 2001 it changed the way drama was done; it was no longer just about cop and medical show. Suddenly there was real meat behind television. With the serial drama, television became more cerebral, and that's always a good thing. Without 24, we wouldn't have Lost or Heroes, and without Lost or Heroes, television drama would be dry.

Am I rambling?

All I'm saying is that TV in 2007 is awesome. And on top of everything else, we have arguably the greatest television comedy of all time - The Office - going stronger than ever.

In honor of this, here are my top 5 network dramas of all time, followed by my top 5 comedies of all time.

NOTE: Heroes is not on the list simply because I haven't been watching. But I KNOW it's worthy of the list, and plan on catching up on DVD.

DRAMAS
5. Law and Order
4. ER
3. X-Files
2. 24
1. Lost

COMEDYS
5. Friends
4. Cheers
3. Family Ties
2. Seinfeld
1. The Office

Bread, wine and tornadoes

Here's what happened last night:
It had been a rainy Saturday and the forecast called for continuing rain with the possibility of severe thunderstorms through the late afternoon/evening hours and into the night. I'm lovin' in because I love storms. Sure enough; radar indicates several fast-moving cells working their way up from Nebraska into southeastern South Dakota. They're headed our way. 5:50 p.m. The alert whistle blows, just as Stacey, Ella and I are getting ready to head over to mops and pops for supper. I'm pumped. Stacey's freaked. We head over to the folks'. Power goes out. The gray lights grows darker. Mr. Weatherman says a major storm cell is headed right for Freeman. Tornado warning is in effect for our county. We go to the basement. With the power out the warning sirens can't sound. Soon we hear firetrucks driving through city streets with rescue personnel on bullhorns: "Tornado warning," they say through the dark gray air. "Take cover." Eerie! It's POURING. I'm pumped. Stacey's freaked. Dad and I head out with cameras. Get a shot. We retreat. Mom's worried about grandma. We tear over there to to check on her. Lightning is cracking all around us. It's POURING. Grandma's OK but mom tells her to get to the basement. Back to the house. BREATH ... BREATH ...

It was freakin' awesome.

In the end, no tornadoes came (not to Freeman, anyhow). The power came back on shortly thereafter, the all-clear siren sounded, and dinner was served! Grilled sausage, grilled vegies, bread and wine. Perfect. The whole experience was wonderful. Stacey would have you believe differently, of course, but she hates storms.

Press her, however, and you might just get her to admit that last night's experience was pretty cool.

It was that and more.

Sunday Best

Ella Ruth Waltner on a recent Sunday morning.

The best frozen pizzas in the world

If I were a pollster and had lots of time on my hands, I would try to find out what frozen pizza ranks highest among those of us too lazy to make a pie from scratch.

I love pizza. Homemade, take out, delivery, it really doesn't matter. Even a frozen pizza is wonderful. Of course, some are better than others. Here are my favorites.

Totino's Party Pizza: Good and cheap, these suckers will fill you up nicely. There's not much to them; in fact, if you're looking for a great crust or lots of toppings, don't bother. But if you're looking for great, bad-for-you taste, bother and then bother again. Recommended flavor: Mexican, Canadian bacon. Cooking tip: Cook longer than the recommended time. Overall grade: B

Jack's: When searching for the perfect Jack's pizza, make sure you buy the "rising crust" version; there's an "original" that isn't much good. Jack's does their pizza right with a great crust and tasty toppings. It's a bit saucy and the slices can get a bit flimsy, particularly when not cooked long enough, but if you buy the right kind the flavors are outstanding. Recommended flavor: Three meat, bacon cheeseburger. Cooking tip: Let the pizza sit in a turned-off oven for at least 5 minutes after cooking and then for another few minutes after you take it out of the oven. Then slice. This will help firm it up. Overall grade: A-

Tombstone: In my book this is the frozen pizza to have. Perfect thickness. Perfect sauce-to-toppings ratio. Outstanding flavor. Great flavors. When scanning the frozen foods section looking for a pizza, I always come back to this one. Recommended flavor: Hamburger. Cooking tip: Top with extra cheese. Lots of it.

Our dumb president

I'm starting to think our president, Mr. George W. Bush, may really be dumb. You know, not intelligent. I've speculated this for a while (about 7 years now) but it has really hit home since his no-bones-about-it stance on vetoing the Senate's vote to implement a plan to exit Iraq has come clear. I can't help but think, he really doesn't get it.

This is particularly troublesome considering the recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll that shows 66 percent of Americans say the country is going in the wrong direction. Sixty-six percent! In addition, 49 percent of those polled say conditions in Iraq are worse than they were 6 months ago, 37 percent say they are the same and only 12 percent say they are better. When asked if victory was possible, only 36 percent said yes, and just 37 percent agree with the President's stance on staying put in Iraq. Is Bush seeing these numbers? I have to believe he's not, considering his threat to veto the pending Senate vote.

There's no doubt in my mind that Bush is arrogant, bull-headed, dogmatic and a flat-out jerk. I'm now convinced we can add "dumb" to his growing list of black marks, too ... jw

John McCain

It's certainly no surprise that John McCain has announced his candidacy for president. I'm extremely interested to see how his campaign will evolve and what cards he plays. I once was a McCain fan, but his support of the president's flawed take on Iraq is extremely disappointing, and reason enough for me to abandon my support, however minimal it may have been in the first place. I expect is blatant support for the war will be his Achilles heel and bring him down. I hope so. On a related note, I very much enjoyed his exchange with John Stewart on the April 25 edition of the Daily Show. The crowd was clearly opposed to McCain's support for the war, and when he said, "I know who's side their on," Stewart responded, "They're on America's side; they're patriots." Abso-frickin'-lutely!

My experience with Wii

I’ve never been a big fan of video games. While I grew up playing Pac-Man on Atari and Super Mario Brothers on Nintendo, for the most I think they’re a big waste of time. However, I recently had an opportunity to play Nintendo’s latest gaming system, Wii, and had a blast. Wii’s trademark is its wireless controls, which allow players to control the action on the screen by movement. My experience was limited only to the sports games that are included with the system (boxing, baseball, golf, bowling and tennis), but playing them was a freakin’ blast. And a workout, too! I was actually sore the next day, which has more to do with how out of shape I am than the workout the game offers. Still, Wii can be viewed as a promotion of exercise, which, considering how lazy we are is a good thing. I’m probably not going to go out and drop $300 on a Wii, but will play it every chance I get. Now, if there was just something we could do about the horribly violent video games available to kids of all ages … jw

Ella Ruth, born to Jeremy and Stacey Waltner Sept. 17, 2006, is a star. I hope one day she realizes just how much she is loved. I wish all children could be so lucky ... jw

Twins: Early season observations

It makes sense, I suppose, that my very first Five Horizons writing is a word about the Minnesota Twins. I love the Twins. They're a small market team with top-notch upper level management and have a farm system that is considered a model in the Majors. The Twins have a core of budding stars that make the Minneapolis-based team one of the most exciting around, even though the East Coast bias remains strong in the national media. The 2007 season is but a few weeks old but we've gotten a sense of how the Twins could follow up their 2006 Central Division championship. Looks promising. Justin Morneau is playing like a reigning MVP, Jo Mauer is hitting like a reigning batting champ and Johan Santana is pitching like a defending Cy Young winner. The rest of our pitching and hitting is a bit shaky early (some of it, anyway), but as of April 21 we were a game up on Detroit for first place in the Central. That's on OK place to be. Go Twins! ... jw NOTE: The accompanying photo was taken by Jeremy Waltner during the 2006 season.